Have you ever apologized only to watch it backfire?
You wanted to make peace, but somehow your words made things worse. You’re not alone. Most people fall into one—or several—of these common apology setbacks.
The Most Common Apology Setbacks
1. Disconnect
Your words say, “I’m sorry,” but your body language is different, “I’m not.” Arms crossed, a sharp tone, or a pouty face send a mixed message. It’s like hitting the brakes and the gas at the same time—confusing and unconvincing.
2. Vagueness
A vague apology feels empty. “Sorry if I upset you” is not the same as “I’m sorry for raising my voice.” Specifics show you understand the impact of your actions. Without them, your apology won’t connect.
3. The dreaded “But…”
Nothing ruins an apology faster than, “I’m sorry, but…” The word “but” erases everything that came before it and turns regret into an excuse. A true apology ends with a period.
4. Manipulation
When an apology comes with strings attached—“I said sorry, now you owe me forgiveness”—it isn’t really an apology. It’s a transaction. A genuine apology is a gift, freely given.
So, How Do You Make Amends That Actually Heal?
After more than 30 years as a couples therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how powerful a heartfelt apology can be. When done well, it draws people closer, builds trust, and helps them feel seen and loved. I teach my couples a simple three-step process for making amends—and the results are often transformative.
Step 1: Validate Their Feelings
This step is about acknowledging how your partner felt in the conflict, not debating whether their perspective was “right.” You might say:
● “I hear you felt disregarded and invalidated.”
● “I understand you felt less than when I said that.”
Validation is about entering into their emotional world and letting them know their feelings matter.
Step 2: Reassure Their Worth
Conflict often shakes our sense of worth. The deepest wound isn’t always about the argument—it’s about feeling unloved, unseen, or not enough. Reassure your partner of what you desire for them:
● “I want you to feel valued and chosen.”
● “You are enough, and I want you to feel heard and understood.”
This step rebuilds connection by affirming their worth in your eyes.
Step 3: Own Your Part
This is where true amends happen. Even if you believe you did nothing “wrong,” search your heart for how your actions (or silence) may have contributed to the hurt. For example:
● “I’m sorry my silence caused you to feel less than.”
● “I’m deeply sorry my words made you feel unloved.”
Sometimes you can add context with discernment: “I needed time to process before I could respond, but I see that my quietness hurt you.” Other times, simply owning your part is more powerful than any explanation.
The Heart of Making Amends
At its core, making amends is not about defending yourself—it’s about repairing the wound. When you validate feelings, reassure worth, and own your part, you offer more than an apology. You offer healing.
Because in the end, a true apology isn’t about the words “I’m sorry.” It’s about showing the other person: “You matter more than my pride.”